PLEASE NOTE: This article is dripping with satire
to highlight the foolishness of this legislative proposal.

At long last, the Illinois General Assembly is doing something that will better the lives of Illinoisans. It took 102 sessions to accomplish this wondrous feat, but they finally have proven their worth with HB 4040.

Introduced by the brilliantly brave State Representative La Shawn Ford (D-Chicago), HB 4040 would criminalize any discipline, correction or action perceived as “persecution” by a parent toward their minor child–aka, “bullying.” If passed, this law would give a minor child the legal ability to sue their parents for the emotional damage caused by a word or look.

Representative Ford is giving children the opportunity he never had: the chance to make their parents pay for all the trivial groundings, dad jokes, displays of affection in front of peers, and scoldings for unmown grass. You get the picture. These traumatizing experiences can finally earn them something just in case the damage their parents have inflicted keeps them from being able to function in the workplace.

Children across the state are eagerly petitioning their state lawmaker to support HB 4040 in unprecedented numbers. Cyrus, an Illinois minor and a victim of serial parental corrections, became emotional after hearing the proposal:

“My parents are always browbeating me to brush my teeth; “do it or you’ll get cavities!” they say. But now with HB 4040, they’ll be paying much more than a dentist’s bill.”

Some individuals–mainly parents–are concerned that minors will be abusing this power and wielding it with a petty fist, but this is not the case at all. Misanthropic Macaroon (zey/zed), a bold and beautiful trans lesbian minor, sees nothing but justice and healing coming in the wake of HB 4040:

“This bill is crucial to trans rights. It’ll finally provide justice for kids like me, whose parents refused to let me take hormones at 13. I knew I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and they made my life hell by not believing me. I need them to pay for the irreparable damage they caused to my mental health, and now with HB 4040 possibly becoming law, I’ll have the ability to balance out the scales of justice and make their lives hell.”

Macaroon also pointed out that if such life-changing decisions like transitioning to the opposite sex can be made by minors, decisions to prosecute parents can be safely trusted in children’s very capable, albeit inexperienced, hands.

Take ACTION: Click HERE to contact your state lawmaker to let them know what you think about HB 4040. You can also call your state representative’s office via the Capitol switchboard, which can be reached at (217) 782-2000.