“Christians aren’t very loving.” 

“That’s hate speech.” 

“Love wins.” 

Sound familiar? We live in a culture obsessed with the idea of love, one that is lightning-quick to condemn anyone who violates its dictates. If you call someone out for their sin by invoking even basic Christian truths, you can expect to receive the rebuke of “not being loving” or even earn the title of “hater.” 

But wait, doesn’t that one song go,

“They will know we are Christians by our love…”?

What’s going on?

Many lies are effective because they take a shell of a good thing and stuff it with evil. The current deception about love is no exception. The world has managed to take a concept central to the entire Bible and present it as a shell of its former self. 

Properly understood, love is doing what is best for someone. But now, love means doing what is best for someone’s feelings.

Nowadays, the expectation is that if you love people, you will affirm them. You will make them comfortable. You won’t offend them or step on their toes. No one likes to be rebuked or offended, after all, so “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!” 

Even if people are wallowing in blatant confusion or trapped in unrepentant sin, in today’s framework, a loving person will affirm and accept them as they are. If you meet a boy who feels like he is a girl, do the loving thing and affirm him—excuse me, her. If you meet someone who struggles with homosexual lust, show love by accepting him right along with all the lusts he struggles with.

But this is a far cry from the proper understanding of love. 

Biblically understood, love is not doing what is best for someone’s feelings, but rather what is objectively best for that person. This is why Scripture says Jesus loved the church so much that He died to sanctify and cleanse her (Eph 5:25–26). 

This is why a young woman must ask herself, when considering a potential suitor,

“Will he just flatter me, or will he actually protect and provide for me?” 

This is why parents can assure their kids that they are disciplining them out of love—they want their kids to make good choices later in life.

All of these show true love because they reveal a willingness to make someone better, not just more comfortable. Even when it hurts their feelings. Even when it strains relationships. Even when it seems like the opposite of love. 

As Christians, we know that being a “better person” is not some abstract, well-meaning platitude; it means looking more like Christ. If you love someone, you will take steps to help them look more like Christ.

This is why, for example, the homosexual war cry “love wins” breaks down on the way out of the driveway. Homosexual lust cannot be true love, because if you love someone, you will not engage in sin with him or her. That is the opposite of making them look more like Christ. 

Because you are aiding and abetting the bondage in which he or she is enslaved, you are actually engaged in a form of hatred. True love doesn’t plunge into sin with you, like Adam did with Eve. 

True love pulls you out of sin, as Christ did for His church.

Now, just to clarify, it’s not like love has nothing to do with one’s feelings. Husbands should keep buying roses for their wives. Parents should keep tucking their kids in at night. And, dare I say it—Christian families shouldn’t shy away from having their gay neighbors over for dinner to witness to them. 

Often, the way we can communicate our desire for someone’s well-being is in the little things, the things that make them feel comfortable and safe. Sometimes, making someone comfortable is a part of pushing him or her closer to Christ. But this all must be done within proper bounds; as Paul writes in Romans 15:2, 

“Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” (ESV, italics added)

Yet, if you truly love someone, certain things will be still more important than his comfort—like his spiritual well-being before God. And sometimes, upholding this will be very painful. God Himself sets the example: 

“The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6, ESV)

True love is willing to sacrifice what is less important for what is more important. It is willing to forget temporary comfort to pursue lasting good.

Christians have an incredibly high obligation to exercise this kind of others-oriented love (1 John 3:16). And I’m under no presumptions that Christians always do this perfectly—I know I certainly don’t. 

So whenever and wherever Christians may genuinely earn the charge of “not being loving” because of ungodly hatred in their hearts, I wholeheartedly condemn it as well. 

However, whenever the charge is leveled at Christians who are speaking the truth in love, calling out sin and calling sinners to repentance, seeking to push them closer to Christ instead of leaving them in their sins, I couldn’t disagree more. As I heard it said once (attributed to Todd Wagner),

“Truth sounds like hate to those who hate the truth.”

But truth must be spoken nonetheless.

Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night to the smell of smoke. Your neighbor’s house is on fire. You rush outside and notice his car in the driveway—he’s still inside sleeping! What should you do? Knock very softly on the door and whisper through the keyhole, so as not to irritate him or be rude? That, frankly, would be an act of hatred. 

Rather, the most loving thing to do would also be the most insensitive—bang on the door with all your might and yell at the top of your lungs so he wakes up quickly and can escape the danger he’s in. Will he perceive it as “unkind” or “unloving?” He might at first. 

But, Lord willing, when he wakes up, he’ll realize you were doing the most loving thing you knew how.